Every Rose Has Its Thorn
by Potion
Summary: The idea of kids absolutely terrifies Arizona; Callie has never been good at seeing what's right in front of her. Post-6x17, "Push." Spoilers ahead.


Disclaimer: Not mine, unfortunately.  
A/N: So, it's not the first Calzona story based off 6x17, "Push," and I doubt it will be the last. This will probably remain a oneshot, unless for some reason I decide to add another chapter or two. Anyway, the first section is all Arizona's point of view. The second is Callie's. The third is a little bit of both. I really hate that this has the potential to break them up. I love drama, but this... This is, well, more major than one of them cheating. Or at least I think so. But anyways, I hope you enjoy. And please, let me know what you think! This isn't beta'd, so all mistakes are mine... Feedback makes my world go round. (:

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**Every Rose Has Its Thorn.**

Some of the first things people notice when they meet Arizona Robbins are her perky attitude, her soft smile, and how good she is with kids. After all, she _is _a pediatric surgeon. Being good with kids is pretty much a requirement, and being super happy is nearly a rarity. She sees children die nearly every day, and anyone who can be so happy after all that... Well, that's something that doesn't go unnoticed by too many people.

That's probably why everyone has always assumed that she wants kids. It is an easy assumption to make, and she doesn't blame them for making it, but that doesn't mean it's right. Arizona may make it through each day with one of her wide smiles on her face, but she sees all the pain and worry her patients' parents have to go through. She likes to think of herself as a strong woman, but she knows that she is nowhere near strong enough for that.

Honestly, the prospect of kids absolutely terrifies her. Not only does she feel like she wouldn't be too good of a mother, but she doesn't want to have to go through all of that. Anything could happen at any time. She's a pediatric surgeon, for Pete's sake. She knows that better than anybody. She would be constantly worrying about the smallest things. She would overreact to a simple cold. She would be seeing cancer, not a stomach ache. She'd be thinking tumor, not just a regular headache. No kid wants to have such an overbearing parent.

She's seen the tears parents have cried when they find out that their son or daughter won't be going home. She's seen the pain in the eyes of the parents when they have to watch their child go into surgery. She sees the unshed tears that lurk in their eyes as they look at their child, their _world, _laying in a hospital bed. She doesn't want that to be her. She doesn't want to have to feel that pain or cry those tears. She doesn't want to be helpless and she knows that those things are out of their control. She doesn't want to have to worry, thinking about what might happen if she simply hugs her daughter or wrestles with her son.

If she had a child that ended up like that, Arizona doesn't know what she would do. She doesn't think she would be able to live with herself after that. She gets attached to her patients, and her bond with them is nowhere near as strong as their bond with their parents. And yet losing a patient, one of those innocent little kids who she really shouldn't know, hurts her. Their deaths haunt her. It's hard enough for her to move on after them. She doesn't think she would be able to survive after the death of her own child, and she sure as hell doesn't want to find out if she's right or wrong about that.

Dealing with kids is her job. She makes it through each day because she has to, because there is another child out there that she _can_ save. It's almost like she told Calliope that one time. She deals with newborns, _children_, in her work life every day. She doesn't want to have to deal with them in her personal life as well. Of course, Calliope thought she was simply talking about the people she dated. It probably hadn't even crossed her mind that Arizona meant it literally as well.

Arizona hears Calliope groan from the other side of the bed. Honestly, she had never really thought about what Calliope wanted. Some of it, sure - the big house, the marriage, the dogs, the chickens... That had crossed her mind a few times. She would be ecstatic to have Calliope as her wife, and when the brunette had mentioned the house and there still being a "them" in ten years, she couldn't fight the excitement that rose in her. But kids? Arizona had never even considered how Calliope might feel about having them. She tells herself she just assumed Calliope wouldn't want them, or that she simply didn't think about it, but she knows that she didn't want to find out. After all, if Calliope wants kids and she doesn't, where does that leave them?

That's a question Arizona has been trying to answer for days now, and has been getting no concrete answer. All she really gets are more questions. Is Calliope mad? Does this change everything? Is everything going to be awkward, strained, unnatural now? How do they move past this? _Will _they move past this? Someone will have to compromise. That's the only way to keep this going. Someone has to give up. Someone has to give in. Either they'll have kids or they won't, but either way, someone isn't going to be happy with the outcome.

But that's if they find a way to get through this as _them._ Who knows? Maybe this will end with their break-up. Maybe she'll become Arizona Robbins again and Calliope will become Callie Torres again, instead of them being Callie and Arizona. This could be their be-all and end-all. This could be the final straw, the ultimate push, that last shoe that Calliope has been waiting to see drop.

That look in Calliope's eyes when she mentioned kids... Arizona can't get it out of her head. The brunette wants them, that much is painfully obvious. It sounded like she'd thought about them a lot. Kids in general or kids with _her,_ Arizona doesn't know, and she doesn't know if it matters. If this ends, if they break up, Arizona has no doubt that Calliope will move on eventually. She's heard the stories and she knows that Calliope doesn't move on easily, she doesn't let go, she doesn't accept change, and she doesn't get over people quickly, but Arizona knows the heartbreak wouldn't last forever. Calliope is a beautiful woman, with a gorgeous smile and a big heart. Anybody would be lucky to be with her. Anybody would be lucky to spend their life with her, to have kids with her.

Knowing that, Arizona tells herself that she should be elated that Calliope has thought about having kids with her. She should be off-the-wall happy. Anybody in their right mind would be. Wouldn't they? Arizona groans, twisting onto her side. It's amazing how something as simple as this is such a big deal.

She feels the bed move and opens her eyes. Calliope had briefly lifted her head to look at Arizona as she moved, and it makes the blond swallow thinly. She thought Calliope had been sleeping, but from the looks of it, her girlfriend is having just as much trouble falling to sleep as she is.

Her girlfriend. Arizona loves being able to call Calliope her girlfriend. She loves being able to have the brunette next to her at night and being able to wake up next to her in the morning. She loves Calliope. Is all of that going to fall out from under her because of this?

Ever since that one lighthearted conversation, nothing has been the same. It's what makes her think that kids are a big part of that picture Calliope painted. She can tell that Calliope is trying to act like nothing is wrong, but it's the little things that give her away. The way her smiles aren't quite as wide, the way she's been choosing to kiss on the cheek more than on the lips, the way she stumbles over her words and sometimes ends up substituting a word with the Spanish equivalent.

These little things speak volumes to Arizona. Calliope has always smiled widely. She has always preferred kissing on the lips over the cheek. She only stumbles over her words when she has a million different thoughts going through her head and hasn't gotten them all out yet. Besides with patients and family, she really only uses Spanish when she's upset.

Something Arizona has learned about Calliope is that she thinks better out loud. As far as Arizona can tell, Calliope hasn't gotten the chance to do that. She hasn't been able to rant or rave or just simply _say_ everything that runs through her head. Mark has been the one with the problems lately and now, with Teddy, he's finally happy again. Arizona doubts she would go to him with this and put a damper on his mood. There are times that it seems like Callie is all about Callie but Arizona knows she tries to put her friends first. Bailey's been concerned with her new beau and Calliope isn't going to want to take that excitement away from her (plus, Arizona thinks, she probably doesn't want to end the whole "sage advice" thing she has going on). Cristina hasn't been around lately - Arizona's noticed that she's been spending more time at Owen's. Addison is hours away and from what she's picked up from Calliope's side of the phone conversations, has a great deal of problems to be dealing with herself.

And those are really the only people Calliope goes to. It breaks Arizona's heart to think that she isn't talking to anybody. Goodness knows that Arizona's confided in Teddy a few times.

Arizona wants to talk to her. She wants to talk about it and get everything out in the open. She wants to figure out if they still have a future together. But from the looks of it, that's about as likely to happen in the near future as her getting to go on a trip to the moon. Even now, simply laying in bed, trying to go to sleep, the atmosphere is completely different. She's on her side, like she always is. Calliope is spread out on the other side of the bed, like she usually ends up after she's fallen asleep. But they always start out cuddling, and that didn't happen tonight. And despite how randomly Calliope seems to be sprawled out, Arizona is fully aware that they aren't touching. Even when they aren't cuddling Calliope likes to be touching. Granted, Calliope isn't as insecure as she used to be - Arizona's heard stories about that, too - but Arizona knows that she is indeed still insecure about a few things. The touching is one that Arizona never fully figured out, though. She knows it's because Calliope needs to be reassured of something - the one time she tried asking, Calliope had told her "I need to make sure of it" - but she hasn't been able to figure out _what_ exactly. That she was still there, that she hasn't left? That she was real? That she was still _her's?_

They're bodies are only inches apart but it feels like Calliope is a million miles away from her. Arizona wants to find a way through the walls Calliope has been putting up with lightning speed but she can't figure out how. Kids are something she decided against a long time ago on her own. She can't change that and she doubts she ever will. She knows that isn't what Calliope wants to hear, she knows that it will probably just motivate Calliope to work harder on those walls, but she has to tell her anyway. She knows she has to find a way to fix this, or be able to say that she tried when it ends. She has to do _something. _She doesn't like waiting and she doesn't like broken. She's going to fix this.

She pushes herself up until she's sitting. She's repositioning herself on the bed and is about to tap Calliope's shoulder when a hand snaps out and grabs her wrist quickly, making her jump before everything can process.

"Don't go," Calliope whispers into the silence, and Arizona's heart breaks at how small Calliope sounds.

"I'm not," Arizona says softly. "I thought we could talk."

--------

As most people will easily explain, Callie Torres has been through a lot in the past few years. They'll start by talking about George, because as far as everybody other than her is concerned, that's where it all started. He was the first person she truly fell in love with, the first person she said "I love you" to, and the first time they witnessed her experience heartbreak. Anything before George will be simply excluded, because truth be told, nobody at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital knows much about Callie's life before the awkward intern. She had stayed out of the line of fire until then, away from the hospital gossip, back in her own little safety spot. She had just... Been there.

George had changed all of that. They had a whirlwind marriage in Vegas that ended about as abruptly as it had begun. He was unfaithful and she wasn't going to put up with that. They broke up, and by that time, her name was on the lips of all the talkative nurses. The damage had been done, and from then on, they were all keeping a close eye on what Dr. Torres was up to.

Mark had been fun. He was her way of forgetting about George, about the cheating, about the pain. He was there and he made her feel special, made her feel like somebody cared. Sometimes she wonders if he really did ever care about her _like that,_ and if she ever cared about him _like that, _and if maybe, they could have had something. Because she thinks that maybe that would be a whole hell of a lot easier than what she's been through these past couple of years. Mark had been fun. Mark had been easy.

Erica was far from easy. Erica was confusing, hard, life-changing, different, rocky... Callie couldn't figure out what it was she wanted. She couldn't sort out her feelings. She was caught in between the possibility of a true relationship and the comfort of Mark's arms. She was battling against her fear of being left and even though she tried, she still ended up with the short end of the stick.

But ever since the very beginning, Callie has known what she wants in the long run. It's just like she told Arizona; she wants a big house with kids running around. She wants soccer games and homework and trips to the zoo. She wants more than one person to cook for and she wants more than one person sitting at the kitchen table. She wants play-dates and slumber parties and birthdays. She wants to see her parents become grandparents. She wants to have wrestling matches on the living room floor and to help pick out an outfit for the Barbies on the coffee table.

Dogs and chickens aren't out of the picture. She wouldn't mind a dog or two. She doesn't know what she'd do with chickens, but if Arizona wants chickens, that's what they'll have. Callie's always wanted a cat, but she'd be fine without one. Dogs and chickens (because they make Arizona happy) and kids. That's enough for her, that would be enough to make her happy.

Except she won't be having that. Arizona doesn't want kids. Callie can't figure out why, but that's the way it is. She can't wrap her mind around why a pediatric surgeon wouldn't want kids of their own. She can't pick apart the pieces and figure out what's going on in Arizona's head. All Arizona wants are dogs and chickens and a big house. She can have that with anybody. Arizona has the money for a big house and the animals so she could go out and get one right now if she wanted to. There's nothing stopping her. She can have that whole little future she wants right now.

Callie wants kids. She can't just go out right now and have one. It's not as easy for her to get what she wants as it is for Arizona. She can't help but wonder if she's supposed to have kids; after all, she'd brought the subject up with George and that hadn't worked out. He had been cheating on her. She never got the chance to bring it up with Erica and if it was going to happen with Mark, it would've happened. Maybe she should have tried harder to convince Sloan to give them her baby. She brings it up with Arizona and finds out they are on different sides of the playing board. Every sign points to "stop trying."

She has never been good at seeing what's right in front of her. George and Izzie were pressing up against the hospital walls only a hall or two away from her and she didn't figure it out. Erica had reached her breaking point and all Callie did was push her even further over the edge.

She doesn't know why she hadn't seen this. There had to be signs there. There had to be something that could have tipped her off, some small comment Arizona made sometime in the past. How do you date someone for months and have no idea what they want for their future? They are supposed to be the stable couple now. Callie prided herself on that. But she didn't even know the blond doesn't want kids. How stable is that?

Briefly, Callie wonders if it's her. Maybe it's something that she did that pushes everybody away from her. Was she too overbearing with George? Was her hiding how well-off she is really that big of a deal? Was she too unsure with Erica? Or was she too scared? Maybe she was even too loyal. Is she just not good enough for Arizona?

Then she tells herself that Arizona just doesn't want kids. It has nothing to do with her. Right? She groans. All the other questions still stand. Maybe she did or said something along the way that helped aid Arizona's decision for no kids. Maybe the blond made the decision a long time ago. Either way, she's not good enough to change her mind, and isn't _that_ what matters now?

Callie doesn't know what she thinks or what she feels. She knows that this has thrown her for a loop, she knows that she wants kids, she knows that Arizona doesn't, and she knows there is no way to change either of their minds. She knows either they'll have kids or they won't. The only way for them to both get what they want is to break up and that isn't what Callie wants at all, and she's sure of that. So one of them has to give up; either she'll have to say she doesn't want kids anymore or Arizona will say she does. She wants Arizona to say she wants kids so badly but at the same time, she doesn't, because what would that make them? Arizona wouldn't be happy. Callie wouldn't be happy. The child wouldn't be happy.

All she wants to do is talk. They _need_ to talk. She's bad for saying things she doesn't mean, though; she's bad for letting things slip the second they cross her mind. She wants to talk but she's afraid she'll just mess everything up even more by trying. She's afraid Arizona will get mad, storm out and then she'll be all alone. No girlfriend, no kids, no dogs, no chickens. Nothing.

She'd rather have three out of four than nothing at all.

Arizona groans as she moves onto her side, and Callie slowly lifts her head up to look at the blond. Is she going to leave? Arizona has never walked out on her before so she doesn't know why she expects her to now, but she finds herself holding her breath in anticipation. She lets the breath out with a sigh of relief when she realizes Arizona is staying.

They're both in the same bed, their bodies only a small distance apart, but they aren't touching. Usually Callie is the one touching Arizona, holding on tight or throwing a leg over her's or even just lightly touching her hand, _something_, but tonight she lets the distance between them remain. A part of her was hoping that Arizona would try to touch her, would "accidentally" put her hand close enough to her's to just_ touch_, but she hasn't. And that terrifies Callie.

It's not the most logical thing in the world and she knows it, but she feels it anyway. She needs the contact. She needs to feel Arizona's skin on her skin, feel Arizona's chest rise and fall, feel that the blond is still close to her. All of the reasons have melted together and now she isn't sure exactly _why_ she needs to, but she does. She needs to make sure Arizona is still right beside her. She needs to make sure that if she needs her, Arizona will be there. She needs to make sure Arizona is still breathing. She needs to make sure that Arizona is real, that it's not just a dream she's going to wake up from. She needs to make sure that she still has everything she needs to survive. She just isn't sure which one of these reasons keeps her from stopping.

It's taking everything in her not to pretend to be asleep right now and reach out. She wants to, she _needs _to, just as much as she needs the air that she breathes. But she can't. She won't. She has to figure this out first. She has to find out where she stands.

Then the bed shifts. She watches Arizona push herself up to a sitting position, and again the fear that she's going to leave rises up in Callie's throat. Before she can even tell it not to, her hand shoots out and locks on Arizona's wrist, and she's forcing words out of her mouth. "Don't go," she whispers, and she can hear the fear and desperation in her own voice. _Way to be strong, Torres._

"I'm not," Arizona promises, but Callie isn't sure if she believes those words. "I just thought we could talk."

Talk. Callie knows they need to, and she wants to, but she's afraid. What if this ends badly? What if she ends up saying something she doesn't mean to? What if she does something she really doesn't want to? She hasn't gotten everything sorted out yet. She doesn't even know what _she's _thinking. She can't add Arizona's point of view to her jumbled mess of thoughts.

But she finds herself nodding anyways, pushing herself up until she's sitting.

--------

They wait in silence for the other to speak. Callie doesn't want to break the silence because she knows she'll say something stupid and start to ramble. Arizona doesn't speak because she's trying to find the right words to say. She wants to let Callie know _why,_ but she doesn't know how to get that message across. She wants to work this out but she doesn't know how.

"You wanted to talk?" Callie finally asks. She speaks softly but it sounds harsh and loud in the silence that surrounds them.

Arizona nods. "Yeah." She doesn't say anything else and they fall back into that silence, both hoping the other will go first.

"George and I were trying," Callie whispers when she decides Arizona won't be saying anything else for a while. She stares at the wall as Arizona's head snaps to look at her. "Well, _I _was trying. He said he was. We decided not long before I found out about Izzie, so I don't think he ever really wanted any."

"Calliope..."

Callie shakes her head. "No. I've wanted kids since _George._" She runs a hand through her hair and Arizona wants to do something, anything, to ease the battle she can see going on in Callie's head. Callie is trying to sort through the thoughts that are running together in her mind until they become one giant, jumbled mess. She's trying to get it out but she can't figure out how. "And I... I think I'll always want kids. But I..."

"I don't think I ever will, Calliope," Arizona whispers, her explanations dying before they reach her tongue. Callie nods.

"No, yeah, I know that, I just..." She lets out a ragged sigh. "I brought it up with George thinking that maybe it would make us happy. Maybe we could finally be happy." She keeps her gaze on the wall; she doesn't want to see Arizona looking at her, doesn't want to know what's in her eyes. "And then Sloan... I offered to help Mark because I wanted him to be happy. Having that kid would have made him happy, all he wants now is to be a dad. I wanted to help him get that, help him be happy. He deserves to be happy."

Arizona watches silently, not entirely sure where Calliope is going with this, but having a few ideas. Callie keeps talking, the words coming out of her mouth easier and easier as time goes by. She knows the point she's trying to make but she feels like she's rambling.

"And you... You're here and you're perfect and you love me. I would do anything for you, Arizona, anything to make you happy. I would give up my life for you. I would choose you over surgery. Anything you want me to do, I would. You deserve to be happy. I'm happy when you're happy. You don't want kids, having no kids is what makes you happy. And I would do anything to make you happy, so I--"

No, this is not the kind of stuff Arizona wants to hear. "Calliope, you deserve to be happy, too. You are not giving up on everything you want just because--"

"_You_ make me happy."

"But you want kids. We haven't really even talked about this, so you are not giving them up yet."

"It doesn't matter what I _want_!" Callie argues. "I may _want_ kids but I _need_ you, Arizona." She turns to look at her girlfriend, tears springing to her eyes even though she tries to force them back. "I _need_ you. Every time I think about where I'm going to be in the future, _you_ are there, kids or no kids. In three years or in thirty, you're there. I can't picture my life without you, and I don't want to. I'd be a mess. I'd settle for just the dogs and the chickens if it meant I'd still have _you._" Her voice is cracking and her hands are starting to shake but she can't stop them.

"You're giving up a lot, Calliope," Arizona says softly, and Callie can see the tears in her eyes and hear the shakiness of her voice. "Am I really worth all of that to you?"

Callie nods. She doesn't trust her voice or her words right now. Arizona _is _worth all of that to her, and so much more. She just doesn't know how to say that. She doesn't know how to make sure Arizona _knows _it. Callie would do anything to keep Arizona with her, absolutely _anything, _and she wants Arizona to know that. She wants Arizona to know just how much she loves her.

But Callie has never been good with her words. Arizona is good with the talking, with arranging her words in exactly the right way to get her point across. The "I am hot!" speech, the "George joining the army is awesome" speech, the "give your dad time" speech, the "good man in a storm" speech... Arizona is good with that. Callie personally can't remember her last good, powerful speech.

"I love you." It's all Callie can think of to say. Those are the only three words that are anywhere close to what she's feeling and even they don't describe it enough.

There wasn't that light in Calliope's eyes. Arizona's been looking into those big brown eyes for the past few minutes, searching for it, and hadn't found it. Then the brunette says "_I love you" _and her eyes sparkle, the light flashing back into them just that easily. It's not the same sparkle as it was when she was talking about kids, but it's a light all the same and it makes Arizona feel a little bit of hope in midst of the guilt. Calliope is willing to give up kids for her, and she's just going to accept that? Let her give up something that would make her so happy?

"We can think about it," Arizona says.

Callie furrows her eyebrows. "But I already know I love you," she says, defeat soaking into her voice and the insecurities rising back up in her.

"No, no!" _Crap, _Arizona thinks. "I love you too, Calliope. I meant about the kids."

Hope finds its way into Callie's widened eyes. "What?"

"We can think about it. Talk about it." Arizona swallows. She's not giving Calliope false hope, is she? "I can't guarantee that I'll change my mind. I don't know if I'll ever want kids. But we can... We can talk about it. Later on."

Callie nods. "Okay." She tells herself not to get her hopes up but the thoughts of little baby Arizonas are already worming their way back into her mind. She closes her eyes, trying to fight off the pictures, trying to fight off the sleep...

"Calliope?" Arizona calls softly.

Callie lets her eyes flutter open. "Yeah?"

"Let's go to sleep."

Callie can't keep the smile off her face as she nods.

Arizona can't keep the smile off her face as they settle under the covers and Callie's fingers brush against her wrist.

Everything isn't solved yet, but it's close enough for them to let their minds rest.


End file.
